WHAT IS RAGNAROK?

So February 22, 2014 was RAGNAROK…

Still here? Yup! We all are.

No cataclysm…nothing. That....was too close.

Much like the Mayan prediction and the Rapture, Ragnarok is, fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on who you ask) is all smoke and no fire.

But, had Ragnarok really happened, it would most definitely be ALL SMOKE, ALL FIRE, ALL THE TIME...and we (humans everywhere) would be nothing but ash.

OK, YOU’VE MENTIONED RAGNAROK THREE TIMES NOW, WHAT THE HELL IS IT??

Glad you asked!

Ragnarok, simply put , is the Viking Apocalypse. Predicted by Snorri Sturluson and the Prose Edda, (the manliest book ever spoken through the generations), Ragnarok is a time when the earth would split; releasing all the assholes of the Underworld, and the Great Battle to end this dog and pony show we call existence would commence.

Now, two of the baddest asses in the Apocalypse pants are Fenrir and Jormangundr. 

 Their challengers? Yeah you guessed it, the mighty, the implacable: Thor God of Thunder! and his super sperm-blasting old man, the All Father, Odin!

Just in case you’ve never heard of this pantheon, or watched that awful Marvel film, let’s take a look at this global catastrophe through the eyes of each shall we?

Fenrir:

"Why Grandma...what big...holy shee-it! Nice doggie."

Fenrir is actually a giant wolf and one of the sons of Loki. Which, weirdly enough, makes him the grandson of Odin (and you thought your family was nuts). He was predicted to kill his grandsire at Ragnarok. Fenrir’s rage comes from his natural, savage nature but also from being tricked into wearing a muzzle, Gleipnir by name, because he was too large and growing more out of control every day. For their trouble, the Norse god Tyr got his hand bitten off, Odin becomes kibble, and we all get the lights out treatment.

Weak.

Odin:

“Let a playa play!”

Odin is the one-eyed All Father who started the whole “deity thing” when the world was young. A trickster at heart, a warrior commander by nature, the old fella went around smashing Elsas and Freyas, Geitas and Brunhildas in his youth.  He begat epic all stars like Thor and Vitharr to defend and guide mankind, and the ward the realm of Asgaard from giants and other pieces of demi-god trash.

Astride his might spectral steed, Sleipnir, he steps up to teach Fenrir, his roid-raged canine grandson, all about who really wears the pants in the pantheon then promptly gets swallowed for his trouble. Even his mighty spear, Gungnir, couldn’t get his all powerful ass out of the belly of the beast and for that we all pay the piper.

*Sigh*  

Jormangundr:

His mother was a pissed off giantess, Angrboda. His dad? You guessed it, the Alec Baldwin of Asgaard, the ever-craptastic parent, Loki! This giant-serpent-turned-world-ender was chucked into the ocean, rather carelessly, by Odin when he was young, and, like his brother Fenrir, came back to tear shit up with a vengeance.

At the end of days, his struggle was no Harry Potter-style scuffle with some toothpick that takes him down, no. He rumbles with the mighty God of Thunder himself ,THOR, and holds his own.

In the end, this ornery serpent and THOR kill one another in an epic battle and we get caught in their crazy crossfire.

People! Don't throw your pythons down the sewer! (stupid Florida)   

Thor:

The absolute rock star of Valhalla, this is the dude I want swinging Mjolnir around to defend my mortal ass when things get dicey. The god of thunder (and smashing Asgaard Valkyries like a true bro) is the son of All Father Odin and defender of the realm against all things nasty. Despite what the terrible Marvel film has showed us, Thor is the ultimate dick-swinging, hammer throwing, lightning-wielding badass who would eat that tin can destroyer thing for lunch.

With his golden flowing locks (no homo) he runs into any fight - alongside the legendary warriors of Valhalla - to take on all comers and makes it look easy. Now, as epic as the his Thundership is, Jormangundr, his serpentine nephew, winds his way around the world and schools his uncle on how world breaking is done.

Never to be too outshined in a vicious cock fight, though, Thor stills goes down like champ, bringing the giant snake (and the human race and all the other realms, unfortunately) to his non-existent knees.

The Real Ragnarok:

When the true end of days comes, I hope to face it bravely myself and make my ancestors proud. To do this, I am going to need some good food, good mead, and a giant steel fistful of Fuck Yeah (thanks Zombie tools)!

And I think this is a great place to start:

 

What will be your gear when Ragnarok comes to town?